Advent – Joy – Day 15

“Joy is distinct not only from pleasure in general but even from aesthetic pleasure. It must have the stab, the pang, the inconsolable longing.”

C.S. Lewis

I started this writing thing on March 24th this year. It was the first day of spring break, less than a month after my bilateral mastectomy.

I had been feeling a little down. 

The weekend before, I’d cried in the shower, not from pain or fear or sadness, and not from feeling sorry for myself. 

I simply couldn’t stand to keep saying no to the longing anymore.

Write. Just do it. 

And not like Nike.

The yearning was deeper than an audible command, with a reverberation like that of a tuning fork of the soul. It was crystal clear what I should do, for if not now, then when?

After my surgery, on February 28th, I hadn’t even taken an entire week off from work. There were things I could do from my bed or the couch, computer in my lap and phone in my hand. I went to my daughter’s softball games with drains in the pockets of my jacket. By the time they came out, not even two weeks later, I was ready to roll again. 

Except that I wasn’t. I was physically recovering, but my soul was withering, for I had imagined that now, finally, I would take the time to write the words and the thoughts that overflowed the toilet of my mind. 

How’s that for a pretty image?

But during those first weeks of convalescence, I had done nothing. No writing to amount to much, and I was disgusted with myself.

Everyone needs an outlet of some sort, but for me, writing always felt like it should be more than just a hobby. It felt like the only conduit through which my life would ever approach something like true fulfillment.

And I had ignored it. For most of my life, I had pushed it away. It is work—hard work—and I open myself up to judgment every time I put something down and send it out into the world. Except now, the fact of the diagnosis and the surgery had made the clock of my mortality tick louder than my inconstant, ignorant voice of self-doubt. 

Oh, and there was another Voice, quiet and clear:

Write. About Me. About Yourself. About It All.

It’s what you were created to do.

There it was. The stab. The pang. The longing. And the only way to relieve it was to follow through and see where it leads. 

I surrendered, and for the first time in my life, I obeyed.

So I started, with no particular goals in mind other than to start posting more regularly on a blog I had started five years before. One post turned into two, then a week’s worth. 

Each time I wrote, I didn’t have much of an idea of what I was going to say. I just rolled with whatever inspiration struck me on that day. Sometimes it was about something my kids had done or said. Sometimes it was about an event in the news. Sometimes nature was my guide. Other times it was drawn from a memory.

But each time I sat down to write, I’d have that same pang, as C.S. Lewis said. It was like seeing a mountain in front of me, but God knows how I love to climb.

I’d wrestle with thought and words, trying to get them just right, for anyone who might happen to read it, but mostly for myself. Sometimes I’d start one, only to trash it or save it for later. Sometimes I’d write it straight and easy, the thoughts and the words connecting like a double helix of DNA forming in some animation on a science cartoon. Other times, it was more like digging a ditch and hitting a water line. Patch, repair, cuss a little, and find another way. Dirty work. Hard work.

And when I was finished, when I had captured the summit of that mountain of my own creation, there was peace. 

There was joy.

There was hope that I could keep doing this thing.

Peace, hope, joy. Sounds about like Advent, and I get to experience it every time I sit down and try to string words together that mean something.

If there is a thing that gives you that inconsolable longing, give it to God today, and stop waiting and wondering if it is real or not. You already know in your heart that it is. 

I think we’ve all got something that God has set before us, and if we are honest with ourselves, following through would set something right with the world. 

Because it first sets something right within ourselves. Living within the will of God does not have to be a hard thing. 

Stop fighting it, and just do it.

Not like Nike.

Say yes to your Creator. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

Romans 15:13 ESV

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Reflection and Prayer: The “inconsolable longing” of the human spirit is best satisfied in following God’s will for your life. He desires “all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth” (I Timothy 2:4 NIV). During this Advent season, surrender your will to His and believe in all of His promises. Praise God for His gift of salvation, and thank Him for providing a Way to know Him.